Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,