Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes