I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.