I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
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Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime