Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
New favorite tiktok
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*