When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Those are good neighbors.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?