One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Girl, same.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.