Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
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Because I don’t want you.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
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son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
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And a machete
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Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
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me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
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GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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