When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey