I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
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*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
#CatsOnTwitter
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
waiting for halloween be like: