Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
where the womens at?
what kind of cook setting is this??
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
🤣🤣🤣
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.