“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
This is I, Robot all over again
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Does your wife know you’re single?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”