the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Every time.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
umm…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.