Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
😆this is so true
“no gods no masters” = leo
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.