Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Jesus Christ lmao
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?