[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
You Might Also Like
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
But that’s none of my business
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Just why bro?!
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.