the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
no
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
you know what ruined my childhood? children