Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
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Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.