And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.