Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
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“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
happy mother’s day❤️
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.