[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job