10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Don鈥檛 name your car. It鈥檚 not a boat. Don鈥檛 name your boat either.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn鈥檛 want it and then my husband said he鈥檇 drink it but then he didn鈥檛 end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It鈥檚 not a toy.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Parenting is cheering on your kid鈥檚 winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
i鈥檝e decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Why don鈥檛 you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.