my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!