“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
translated into Canadian