no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
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5.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots