[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Krampus.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
dude it’s called proctologist
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL