My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.