‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.