can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Favourite diary entry ever
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.