My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.