You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
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a public service announcement
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it