Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You Might Also Like
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Monday
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
No. He’s not coming out to play
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.