My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
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No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
What
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is