Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
There’s only one good girl here!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.