My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
the clam before the storm
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.