I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
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Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away