If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
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Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
An odd boast
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph