The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
🤣😂🤣
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.