Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.