The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
White Castle for the Win
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”