You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…