I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “