There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Stick it to the man
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9