I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?