She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry