me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
You Might Also Like
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.