I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?