It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
This pepper has seen some shit
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”