[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
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Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳