Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Someone just threatened to call me later
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
just left a huge legacy in there
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…